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I write novels, eat dark chocolate, raise three children, love my husband, scrub toilets, ignore the laundry, and love a good story, but hardly ever in that order.



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Tuesday, September 27, 2011

While I'll Never Make It In The Fashion Biz, Part Deux

True confession: I watch Project Runway. I don’t watch a whole lot of TV, mostly because I’m very tired and irritable at night and I’ve found the best antidote to that condition is reading a good book and then falling asleep with it on my neck. But I do DVR Project Runway and I’m not sure if that makes me trashy or cool.

If there’s one thing Project Runway has taught me it’s that the line is very fine between trashy and cool. Take this outfit, for example:

It won accolades from the judges (with the exception of the pumpkin-inspired hair). Maybe I'm at a loss because I can't find my stilts, but even without the extra height, what is the draw here? Billowy teal top with rhinestones? I swear I wore that with "dress shorts" and a matching headband to my freshman homecoming dance.

And this might like fantastic for the average female:

But I don't think I have the neck for it.

My confusion with all this should surprise none of you. Remember my complete shock and horror with the skinny jean phenomenon? They’re back again this fall, which means the score is Fashion: 45, Kim: -5.

I’m trying to keep up, folks. But I don’t feel it’s going well. I just got used to pointy-toed heels and now they are OUT with a capital O. ROUNDED heels, people. Or maybe that was last season….

Really I need immunity for the next challenge. Immunity would be perfect. Can I at least have immunity for skinny jeans? I promise I’ll change out my pointy toes if I can keep wearing flared pants.

Also, you can have my car.

All in all, I think you’ll agree we both come out ahead.

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Should I Be Worried?

Thea prayed with me before bed tonight and then informed me that God was “this big.” She made a big circle with her little arms.

I agreed. “At least that big, yes.”

“And Goliath was this big.” She made the circle incrementally smaller.

“Right. He was much smaller than God. But he made fun of God, didn’t he?”

She nodded gravely. “He was very naughty.” Pause. “God and Jesus wear cween (clean) clothes. But Goliath wore dirty clothes.”

Really? I’m not sure this is supported by Scripture. But, heck, we’re going to stick with the theme: Goliath=naughty. God=awesome.

One more jab before lights out. Thea said with certainty, “And Gowhyiff (Goliath) is dead. Dead, deady-dead.”

Score thus far-- God:1, Gowhyiff: 0.

Next up: Herod.

Tuesday, September 13, 2011


Today’s post is meant to encourage those of you who are in the depths of despair. Anne of Green Gables used this phrase and rather freely, though I’m not sure any of her despair really warranted such theatrics. Which is exactly why I love Anne of Green Gables and am still hoping my hair will turn red and that I can live in Nova Scotia with my bosom friend, Diana Barry. Raspberry cordial, anyone?

Theatrics from Anne mouth are lovely, but I came across a little quotation that might not resound quite as deeply. I try not to involve myself in celebrity bashing because celebrities are real people with very real problems. I would hate having the life of a famous person and I get a little itchy just thinking about it. I am honestly looking around for calamine lotion right now, and that might not be merely the result of an angry mosquito who found me last night.

So I will not name the famous person who said the following words. Just know she was referring to a “nervous breakdown” she experienced after HER WISDOM TEETH WERE PULLED.

"I was down in the dumps about everything there for a while," she said. "Sometimes you have to hit rock bottom about things and have to get the most stressed-out just to feel better again. I got completely stressed-out and couldn't handle everything, and now I feel really in control."

I don’t have much to add. I hope you have not “hit rock bottom” today and that you feel you can “handle everything,” even teeth. You just remember this woman’s courage in the face of such hardship. May it inspire you to press on through poverty! Famine! Disease! Recessions! These things are nothing compared to wisdom teeth!

I love you people.

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Act My Age

Can someone please clarify for me when I became a ma’am?

I am now fully a ma’am. As in, “Ma’am, is this your child we found running naked through the lobby?” Or “Ma’am, none of these clothes have been in fashion for the last decade. We cannot accept anything you own (or are presently wearing) at our consignment shop.”

I feel like there was a limbo period for this. Wasn’t there a time when I wasn’t a college student any more but I also wasn’t a ma’am? Maybe “miss?” Or “hottie?” Wait, no. That never happened. But I’m pretty sure there was a historical era in which I was young but not too young, smart but not wizened, muscular but not veiny.

Is anyone hearing me on this?

Today a fifteen-year-old girl flagged me down at the Dairy Barn as I was leaving. “Ma’am,” she called, and the scary part is I KNEW SHE WAS TALKING TO ME. I turned. “Ma’am, you might want all these slushies you just paid for.” Then she snorted when she laughed and I laughed too, without the snort. Silly ma’am! Paying for things and then leaving the Barn without taking them with her!

And so it begins. One day a ma’am, the next I’ll be asking the consignment shop to reconsider taking on my orthopedic shoes to sell. But they’re so comfortable…